Some thoughts today...
I've been having major dreams about being pregnant. Starting from me being pregnant, and not noticing because I was so fat... to dreams about my sister in law being pregnant... to dreams about myself being pregnant and being mad that I wasn't as skinny as I wanted to be when I got pregnant.
So this says a lot of things to me. First, I wonder if when I'm ready to have kids - I'll feel ready. Do you know what I mean? I mean, when I was going to marry Eric - I KNEW I was ready for that. Will this be the same way? There's only two things holding me back from having kids... one, car loans, and two, being 115 lbs the day I get pregnant. I weigh 129 today. And it fluctuates a ton between 128 to 130. It's extremely obnoxious. And thinking, oh I only have 15 lbs to lose before I'm 115 doesn't seem like a lot to me. And I so hope insanity is the thing that kicks to the curb. We'll see.
That being said, I know I need to start eating better - and by that, I mean, portion control. I've been keeping track of my calories on myfitnesspal.com and apparently I eat a lot more calories than I probably should. (Doctor said to stay within 1200 - 1500 calories.... so I should probably stick to the 1200 side)
So it's my goal for the week, or day, or however long I can do it - to make sure my portions are good, to make sure I just eat one or two of something, and not more. I've been very good about what I am putting in my body - but sometimes slip up and have the occasional slice of pizza... which is fine, but will just let me maintain my weight which is NOT what I want to do.
And maybe I need to make smaller goals. Like maybe my next goal should be getting to 125. That's four pounds... and can't be that hard. And maybe it will be easier for me. So here I go... doing the best I can.
And hoping for kids someday.
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