My Life Lately

I feel like this blog is a good place to actually talk about what's really going on with me. I have my personal blog for staying upbeat, remembering things that have happened, and for lots of pictures, and I have my own personal journal for my most personal thoughts... but I feel like this is a place I can go to to talk about what I'm struggling with and maybe seek some guidance from my fellow blog readers - even if it's not about p90x. :)

I've been doing so great with p90x. It's so hard to get the cardio I want in though - but I'm still working my muscles. I have to be careful with my leg and all, but it's been good. I do one legged push ups and things - just everything I can do without getting so fat not doing anything.

I've lost two pounds since I've started. This depresses me and makes me glad. Why? Because one, I'm losing weight - and how can that not be good? But two... how much more of this yo-yo can I stand? How do I get past this small hump, and move on to dropping weight. How do I actually reach these goals I have, and be comfortable with the way I look and feel? I know that I have a lot of fat on my legs... I know I do. And I know I can get rid of it. I'm just not utilizing the right tools apparently, and I need to figure that out. I figure that p90x will help me a ton - just wish I could be doing more. I feel so helpless and lazy.

Plus, I want to have a healthy baby. And I want to be so fit during that pregnancy. And how do you do that? By being active now. The doc told me I needed to do whatever I wanted to do while I was pregnant, NOW. That way I could continue doing it and my body wouldn't freak out. And if I stick to our plan of having a baby some time in 2012... there's not much more time to put this off. People lose weight all the time. And they do it well. Why can't I be one of those people? I CAN. So I just need to do it and stick with it. I think the problem is... I've run out of tools. I'm not sure what my next steps are... I can't even think about that right now though.

This foot thing is so hard for me. People say, "you never know what you have until you lose it." And that is true in so many ways. I mean, yes, I have always been grateful for the fact that my body works the way it does. But not having the full function of just a foot... it's not even my ankle, or leg, just a foot... is just exhausting. I'm trying to find the good in this lesson. Be more patient with things, relax more, etc etc, but I'm done.

This is extremely depressing. I LOVE to exercise, and this is killing me. I love to do things for myself. I love to keep my house in order. I love to be outside in the summer, weeding, and taking care of the yard. And this year it's my turn to do the yard the way I want, and I can't even do that. I've gotten to a point where I just don't care if my foot heals... like, of course I care, but so many people have been so... pessimistic. They say things like - it will take at least a year to heal. This is going to take forever, so just let it be. BLAH BLAH. I am starting to feel like the doc doesn't know what he is talking about any more... like it's time for a second opinion. But I'm not a doctor... how should I know?

Plus, I'm so upset I may not be able to do my tri. I mean, realistically, this thing isn't even 50 percent gone, and it's been four and a half weeks. So, who am I kidding when it comes to the tri? I shouldn't even be thinking about doing it - I'm just trying to stay so optimistic about it. People keep telling me - um, are you crazy? I wouldn't do that. And I just keep thinking... where's the hope in that? It's one of the things I wanted to do before we got pregnant... and this is the one I wanted to start with. I know there will be other tris, but I so had my heart set on this.

I'm trying to tell my body good things, so it will heal itself. But let me tell you how hard that is. It's so hard to be optimistic when all your optimism is stolen. It's get harder and harder every day. I don't like being late to things, I get really anxious when things are supposed to take a certain amount of time, and take way longer, I get so jfksjf;kdsjf;ksdjfk;sdfj; when things just aren't working well... and this foot thing has been all of those things. Late on healing, taking time it shouldn't have, and just NOT working well. It makes me so super anxious. And sitting around doing NOTHING so it will just heal? I mean... come on. How long can a person do that without going insane. I've been trying to do stuff that I haven't been able to do - stuff you would think, you could totally do that. But I can't...like photography for instance. I've tried to go around and just take pictures... but I can't stand without my crutches, so I can't hold a camera.

Basically, I can sit and do nothing - watch tv, or read a book.... and I'm just not good at doing that when I know there are a million other things that I need to get done. I'm supposed to elevate, ice, compress, and rest my foot... seriously? How long can a person do that for? I've done it EVERY day and it's not helping.

I'm really depressed about it all. The worst part is, I can't explain that to people. I can't explain exactly how I feel to someone. It doesn't make sense to anybody. And it's all inside of me. My new boss describes me as spunky... that's right, spunky. And all I can do is describe myself as depressing.

My next appt is Thursday. The appointment where my doctor will look at my foot, and say "looks like we have another two weeks." Where I'll remind him it's been five weeks, and that my muscles are going to start to atrophy (even though I think they already have.) And then he'll tell me that we can do at least one more week in my boot, and we'll see where we go from there. Let me tell you what... he better be giving me a smaller boot if he's gonna shove me in that thing for one more week.

I think I need to request an MRI. It's not going to cost me anything but my time. I'm already meeting all my deductibles with the hospital visit. And what have I got to lose? I'm SOOOOOOO done. The worst part is... I know it's not getting better. I know the bruises have gone... and it looks a lot better, but it still swells everywhere. It still aches just lying here - elevating it like I'm supposed to. Will it ever be the same? I'm so doubtful.

I'm trying to stay positive... I am. And I'm trying to think of all the people who have it harder than me, that this shouldn't even be a problem. But this is my trial I suppose - and I can choose how to deal with it. And I need to choose to deal with it well.

So this is me finishing my complaint... so I can move on and handle it well. I just so needed to get my thoughts out... so thanks for spending the time reading.

I need to make a change in my life. I need to get this healed up, I need to get back into a better routine to get fit.. I need to make some changes that will make me happy. I need to stop putting everybody else's happiness in front of my own, and take charge of my own. I'd even say it's maybe time that I be a little selfish and focus on what I need from my life. I'm the only person who can make me happy, so it's time to face that reality. It's time to spend more time on me, and not always on everybody else. Time to get my goals done, and stop messing around. It's time to get better, and get moving. Get back into the things I love. Maybe I should join the orchestra this year. It's just time to do SOMETHING.

Reminder to myself - keep your chin up - it can only go uphill from here, right?