A life update

Still sitting here at 128/129. Can we move on already? I can tell I'm toning up but I just gotta get back into lifting weights consistently. After the tri is over, I definitely want to bike, swim, and run at least once a week to keep it up and continue to do a tri once a year. My new plan, after Jersey, will be to do p90x but sub yoga/plyo on tues/thurs for yoga at the gym, and then do plyo on saturday when you're supposed to do kenpo. It will probably be what I need to drop the weight.

Life is just crazy right now. We have every week FULL of stuff. This Saturday, I have NOTHING planned - except for making sure Eric has everything he needs done before the concrete comes. I'm not gonna plan anything though, and get some photos put on dvd for some clients, clean up the house for family coming soon, and tie up some loose ends on some projects. Saturday is going to be a good day to just catch up on some stuff I think.

Because we have so much planned, I feel like winter is just a step away.

This weekend - time to relax, hopefully.

July 30th - tri

August 6th - carpets cleaned, finish concrete, mom/sister get here

August 13th - ripping out old garden and redoing, putting in a HUGE new veggie/fruit garden

August 20th - JERSEY

Then, one last weekend for the "summer" months and winter should be on it's way. I don't consider September a summer month - it's more fall, but since Utah doesn't really have a fall, maybe our summer will continue a bit more before turning into dead winter again. Who knows! But then three months later, it will already be time for Christmas. CRAZY!

I can't wait until we go on vacation to Jersey, come back and can just RELAX. I'm in the process of changing over my photography website as well - and changing the name of it. I'm meeting with a company on Friday to discuss adding some deals to their sites, and I'm going to actually pay money to advertise in the next bit. I'm excited about a new change and getting it rolling more. I did a wedding this last week and forgot why I stopped pushing myself so much - so getting back on track there.

We're spending everything we have saved on our fence/driveway extension. The next step will be to get back on track with savings, and continue our emergency savings so we can have a good 18 grand in emergency funds before a baby comes. Hopefully, Rox gets knocked up, and her babies can sell for a grand each. :)

I've been taking my pre-natal vitamins religiously. My friend has taken them since she was in high school to avoid spina bifida - cuz her sister got it. She said the more folic acid you take, the better - so I'm hoping I've got enough going to be safe on that side of things. The doctor said take them three months ahead of time, and so I think I'll be perfectly safe by the time we start trying. Now, just gotta lose these last 8 lbs before getting pregnant. I don't think I could stand making the smallest part of my body so big, while having huge legs and huge arms! HAHA We'll see what I can muster. Plus, I want to be able to exercise as much as I can while I'm pregnant, and the doc said to do whatever I want now so I can continue to do it - so can't really slack in that area.

I also need to get better at blogging. We've been so crazy, I've just stopped. Here AND on my normal blog. I don't have too much to put on the normal blog - except about the tons of projects we have done in the last bit. Need to get that on the blog before the tri. And then I need to make sure I update this as well. I've been using MFP to track my calories - and I need to better at that too so I can see what I'm eating and how it's affecting my weight loss.

And last but not least, I need to make dinner. I have this great want to just sit down and cook all day. Ugh - why do I have a full-time job again? Oh that's right... still need an income. DARN. haha

Sorry this is all so random. Just lots of thoughts.

Wavering

As I waver back and forth between 127 and 129, I begin to think "could this possibly be the beginning of the tricky weight loss?" Since my last entry, I haven't seen the 130's at all. My body fat has consistently stayed between 25 and 26. I feel better - my clothes are getting almost too loose. haha I'm eating well, I'm exercising for the tri, and I'm getting back into the groove of things.

I went running the other day - ran for .62 of a mile. Felt fine - but my knee was giving. So, I need to make sure I always wear my patellar band. We're going to attempt a mile today and see how that goes. I'm being very slow and very careful, but figure if I can at least run a solid two- three miles, taking the walk in between those miles and running again won't be that bad for the tri.

On the side of all of that though - is some void. It's something I can't really explain. It's something I've been feeling pretty consistently since March. My favorite religion teacher at BYU said it will go away with babies. And maybe that's what it is... being baby hungry? I mean, I know I am because I see cute baby clothes in the stores, and think, oh it's so time for that in our lives.

But then I remember that I need to be at my job for at least a year for FMLA to take effect - meaning they have to keep my job for 12 weeks while I'm on leave. Then I remember how crazy I am about the time frame they should be born in, and I remember that the cars need to be paid off, and I remember that we need to put a fence up, and we need an emergency savings, and I remember that there are all these extra things that need to happen first... and I'm patient again.

But will a baby really feel that void? I'm not so sure. Because it all stems from not doing what I really want to do be doing with my life. It includes so much more I feel... but is that just me being crazy? Being bored?

So, I'll take it day by day until I figure that out. And we'll keep training for the tri that I'm just SO excited for! I'm so glad I get to do it, and just can't wait!

The Hump

When I ended p90x, I weighed 128, but I also had 23% body fat (started at 27%). Since I didn't maintain weight lifting past p90x (first hurting my leg in the dirty dash, and then hurting my foot), I have only maintained my weight (gaining two pounds here and there) since then, but also gained 4% of body fat. Obviously, not a good thing. It means that I have to keep lifting weights or I just can't stay toned.

So, I have this goal of getting my body fat back down, and am in the 26% range today. My main overall goal is to get this down...BUT, I still know that my weight has a lot to do with how much body fat I actually have.

Today... I hit, what I like to call, "the hump." This is 128.8 lbs. I cannot tell you how many times I've seen this number on the scale, but cannot make this number go any lower. It could be something I eat, it could be that I just hit that number for a moment, but it wasn't "real" weight loss - just water weight or something, it could be a number of things. But I THINK that a lot of it has to do with being on a Friday (just like today) and then not being perfect for the weekend. Well my friends, that is just not going to happen. Somehow, I'm going to make it through this number. Somehow, I'm going to push past it and forever get under that number. I'm not really sure if I can. Part of me wonders if my body likes to be at this weight - but I'm just not satisfied with that, so it's time to do something about it. Look for my update on Monday to see if I made progress or not. :)

If I still have body fat to lose - and I do - then my weight has got to come down with it, right?

So here's to a perfect weekend of healthy foods. :)

And let's get to running...

Today I was cleared from wearing any brace whatsoever. :) Now I'm allowed to do whatever I want - but if it's going to be a long hike or something, I should probably wear my brace. I can run, but need to start slow and gradual. I'm going to the PT tomorrow just to see if he thinks I need any type of therapy done.

I don't have to go back to the doctor unless in a month, the little parts that are still tender to touch, are STILL hurting. Then I need to go back and figure out what else is wrong.

But... that means I'm doing the tri! :) The swim is getting easier and easier. I can swim almost a whole mile freestyle. I CAN swim a whole mile - just switching up the ways I swim. We biked the other day 11 miles - we still need to get up to 25 miles. Just need a good day to go that far- maybe this Saturday.

Training is going well and I feel really great. I'm still losing and maintaining weight - but not gaining - and that's a good thing.

So, let's get this show on the road, and do the tri I've been waiting for! :)

Guess what...?!!?!?

Guess who has clearance to do the bike/swim part of the tri? ME!

Last Thursday, my doctor told me to ditch the boot, and ditch the cruthes - a small ankle brace it is for me! :) HURRAY!

And then I got sick... :( With an AWFUL cold. But I went swimming and did my 1250 yards - felt awesome. You know what I learned swimming? That you use your foot in an array of different motions and that my right foot has lost it's flexibility. It will take time to get it to do the things the left one does, but hey, I can swim, and it doesn't hurt! Just so weird!

Went biking and did a good 7 miles - should have been ten but we ran out of time. Didn't even hurt a little bit. BUT, I found out that I did not retain ANY muscles in my right leg. My calf muscle doesn't exist even the slightest. It's so sad.

I also know that I can run up my stairs. I'm not supposed to run, but sometimes I forget, and run to go get something and then realize, I RAN! lol So I think I'll be running in no time. HOPEFULLY. :)

I just need four good weeks of running training to finish the 10k at a slow pace.

BUT HEY - I get to do my tri! OH HURRAY!!!!!

My Life Lately

I feel like this blog is a good place to actually talk about what's really going on with me. I have my personal blog for staying upbeat, remembering things that have happened, and for lots of pictures, and I have my own personal journal for my most personal thoughts... but I feel like this is a place I can go to to talk about what I'm struggling with and maybe seek some guidance from my fellow blog readers - even if it's not about p90x. :)

I've been doing so great with p90x. It's so hard to get the cardio I want in though - but I'm still working my muscles. I have to be careful with my leg and all, but it's been good. I do one legged push ups and things - just everything I can do without getting so fat not doing anything.

I've lost two pounds since I've started. This depresses me and makes me glad. Why? Because one, I'm losing weight - and how can that not be good? But two... how much more of this yo-yo can I stand? How do I get past this small hump, and move on to dropping weight. How do I actually reach these goals I have, and be comfortable with the way I look and feel? I know that I have a lot of fat on my legs... I know I do. And I know I can get rid of it. I'm just not utilizing the right tools apparently, and I need to figure that out. I figure that p90x will help me a ton - just wish I could be doing more. I feel so helpless and lazy.

Plus, I want to have a healthy baby. And I want to be so fit during that pregnancy. And how do you do that? By being active now. The doc told me I needed to do whatever I wanted to do while I was pregnant, NOW. That way I could continue doing it and my body wouldn't freak out. And if I stick to our plan of having a baby some time in 2012... there's not much more time to put this off. People lose weight all the time. And they do it well. Why can't I be one of those people? I CAN. So I just need to do it and stick with it. I think the problem is... I've run out of tools. I'm not sure what my next steps are... I can't even think about that right now though.

This foot thing is so hard for me. People say, "you never know what you have until you lose it." And that is true in so many ways. I mean, yes, I have always been grateful for the fact that my body works the way it does. But not having the full function of just a foot... it's not even my ankle, or leg, just a foot... is just exhausting. I'm trying to find the good in this lesson. Be more patient with things, relax more, etc etc, but I'm done.

This is extremely depressing. I LOVE to exercise, and this is killing me. I love to do things for myself. I love to keep my house in order. I love to be outside in the summer, weeding, and taking care of the yard. And this year it's my turn to do the yard the way I want, and I can't even do that. I've gotten to a point where I just don't care if my foot heals... like, of course I care, but so many people have been so... pessimistic. They say things like - it will take at least a year to heal. This is going to take forever, so just let it be. BLAH BLAH. I am starting to feel like the doc doesn't know what he is talking about any more... like it's time for a second opinion. But I'm not a doctor... how should I know?

Plus, I'm so upset I may not be able to do my tri. I mean, realistically, this thing isn't even 50 percent gone, and it's been four and a half weeks. So, who am I kidding when it comes to the tri? I shouldn't even be thinking about doing it - I'm just trying to stay so optimistic about it. People keep telling me - um, are you crazy? I wouldn't do that. And I just keep thinking... where's the hope in that? It's one of the things I wanted to do before we got pregnant... and this is the one I wanted to start with. I know there will be other tris, but I so had my heart set on this.

I'm trying to tell my body good things, so it will heal itself. But let me tell you how hard that is. It's so hard to be optimistic when all your optimism is stolen. It's get harder and harder every day. I don't like being late to things, I get really anxious when things are supposed to take a certain amount of time, and take way longer, I get so jfksjf;kdsjf;ksdjfk;sdfj; when things just aren't working well... and this foot thing has been all of those things. Late on healing, taking time it shouldn't have, and just NOT working well. It makes me so super anxious. And sitting around doing NOTHING so it will just heal? I mean... come on. How long can a person do that without going insane. I've been trying to do stuff that I haven't been able to do - stuff you would think, you could totally do that. But I can't...like photography for instance. I've tried to go around and just take pictures... but I can't stand without my crutches, so I can't hold a camera.

Basically, I can sit and do nothing - watch tv, or read a book.... and I'm just not good at doing that when I know there are a million other things that I need to get done. I'm supposed to elevate, ice, compress, and rest my foot... seriously? How long can a person do that for? I've done it EVERY day and it's not helping.

I'm really depressed about it all. The worst part is, I can't explain that to people. I can't explain exactly how I feel to someone. It doesn't make sense to anybody. And it's all inside of me. My new boss describes me as spunky... that's right, spunky. And all I can do is describe myself as depressing.

My next appt is Thursday. The appointment where my doctor will look at my foot, and say "looks like we have another two weeks." Where I'll remind him it's been five weeks, and that my muscles are going to start to atrophy (even though I think they already have.) And then he'll tell me that we can do at least one more week in my boot, and we'll see where we go from there. Let me tell you what... he better be giving me a smaller boot if he's gonna shove me in that thing for one more week.

I think I need to request an MRI. It's not going to cost me anything but my time. I'm already meeting all my deductibles with the hospital visit. And what have I got to lose? I'm SOOOOOOO done. The worst part is... I know it's not getting better. I know the bruises have gone... and it looks a lot better, but it still swells everywhere. It still aches just lying here - elevating it like I'm supposed to. Will it ever be the same? I'm so doubtful.

I'm trying to stay positive... I am. And I'm trying to think of all the people who have it harder than me, that this shouldn't even be a problem. But this is my trial I suppose - and I can choose how to deal with it. And I need to choose to deal with it well.

So this is me finishing my complaint... so I can move on and handle it well. I just so needed to get my thoughts out... so thanks for spending the time reading.

I need to make a change in my life. I need to get this healed up, I need to get back into a better routine to get fit.. I need to make some changes that will make me happy. I need to stop putting everybody else's happiness in front of my own, and take charge of my own. I'd even say it's maybe time that I be a little selfish and focus on what I need from my life. I'm the only person who can make me happy, so it's time to face that reality. It's time to spend more time on me, and not always on everybody else. Time to get my goals done, and stop messing around. It's time to get better, and get moving. Get back into the things I love. Maybe I should join the orchestra this year. It's just time to do SOMETHING.

Reminder to myself - keep your chin up - it can only go uphill from here, right?

It's been a week

So, I've been doing p90x for a week now. I need to get on here and put all my numbers in so I can keep working off of them - and not just writing them down on paper. I'm doing really good. I didn't check my weight today, but will tomorrow. I also have been calorie counting, and it can't just be calorie counting. You still have to eat good foods - learned that this weekend. lol So sticking as close to the diet as I can. I'm doing really good I have to say.

My goal is to lose one - two pounds a week. If I lose more- fine, but one - two pounds sounds realistic to me, and also real fat. Sometimes, I lose a few pounds at a time, but it's just like fake weight I swear. lol

Anyway, that's what's going on here. I feel better even just lifting weights - feel toned, and that's what feels awesome to me.

Now if I could just heal by the 16th... come on foot!